Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I Wrote a Kid's Play


THE PERFECT FIT

A shoe store. BERNIE, dressed in a white button down shirt and tie, paces in front of shoe boxes and shoe racks. There is a stopwatch around his neck.

In a nearby chair is JOEY, dressed in a similar outfit.


BERNIE
So…You think you got what it takes to be a shoe salesman?

JOEY
Yes, Sir! I’m a fast learner and hard worker-

BERNIE
Well, you better be! Because that’s what being a great shoe salesman is all about…hard work. It’s not just measuring feet and rubbing tired ankles.

JOEY
Ew.

BERNIE
What? Too much for you? This ain’t for the weak, Sonny. I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe here.

JOEY
Oh, don’t worry, Sir, I’m no stranger to shoe stores! I was the floor manager of Sporty Sneakers back in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

BERNIE
Sporty Sneakers? Allentown…Pennsylvania? Sonny, you ain’t in Kansas anymore.

JOEY
You mean Allentown?

BERNIE
I mean any small town! This is New York City! The shoe capital of the world! And in this store we don’t sell “sporty sneakers”! We sell the best! A top of the line, cream of the crop, grade A place to take your feet!

Joey stands. He goes to a shoe rack and picks up a shoe, showing how good he is with it by tossing it in the air and catching it like a ball.

JOEY
Yes, Sir! That’s why I moved here! You see, shoe stores in Allentown were just holding me back! I needed a bigger place to spread my wings! And this is it! This is the perfect job for me, Sir!

Bernie takes the shoe from Joey mid air, catching it, clearly a bit nervous Joey will drop the shoe and break it.

BERNIE
Is that right…Well, let’s see how good you really are then, shall we. Test A!

Bernie points a remote to the back screen. A picture of a teenage girl appears… maybe a bit wacky looking.

BERNIE
When a customer walks in you need to know exactly what type of shoe they are. Loafers or sandals? High heel or boots? You need to feel their inner shoe…So tell me, Mr. Allentown, Pennsylvania, what does this customer need?

JOEY
Oh, um…um…easy…She’s looking for high tops! Something to use around the basketball court!

BERNIE
High tops? Basketball? WHAT?! This is clearly a young lady looking for prom shoes: high heels, blue, sheek, with a silk grey ribbon on the side.

Bernie hits the remote and the above shoe appears on the back screen.

JOEY
Oh, sure, of course, that’s what I meant to say, Sir!

BERNIE
So think you can find them?

JOEY
Those shoes? Right now?

BERNIE
What? Too hard for you, Sonny? Don’t have what it takes?!

JOEY
No, Sir! I was born for this job! I can do it!

Joey jumps up and down as if preparing for a race. Bernie looks at his stopwatch.

BERNIE
We’ll see…Ready, set…Find those shoes!

Joey runs and looks for the shoes in different racks and boxes. Bernie watches like a coach.

BERNIE
Faster! Every passing second means a lonely pair of feet! And lonely feet mean cold feet! And cold feet mean a lost customer!

JOEY
Got ‘em!

Joey throws the shoes in Bernie’s direction!

BERNIE
AHHH!!

Bernie catches them, but not with ease.

BERNIE
You can’t just throw shoes! These are new high heels: blue, sheek, with a silk grey ribbon on the side! What were you thinking?!

JOEY
That’s how we did it back in Allentown, Sir! You see, we were the fastest shoe store there was and-

BERNIE
Oh, never mind Allentown! Time for test B! Ready!?

Joey runs to Bernie’s side and jumps up and down again.

JOEY
Ready, Sir!

Bernie points the remote at the back screen. A picture of an old lady appears.

BERNIE
Now what does this customer need? Think hard…What’s her inner shoe?

JOEY
Um…Easy, looks like she, ah...she needs…Volleyball shoes! A nice pair of volleyball shoes for the big game!


BERNIE
Volleyball shoes?! Big game?! Come on! Focus! Inner shoe, remember? This is clearly someone looking for glass sandals: clear, cute, with extra back support for weak heals. Size 8, deep arc, with a flower pattern of daisies on the side!

Bernie hits the remote and the above glass sandal appears on the back screen. Joey looks at Bernie amazed.

JOEY
Wow…you…are…awesome!

BERNIE
Hard work, Sonny…it takes hard work to get where I’m standing. Now find those shoes!

Bernie starts the stopwatch.

BERNIE
Go! Go! Go!

Joey runs all around, much faster than before.


BERNIE
Hurry, hurry!…I hear sad feet. And nothing in this world makes me sadder than the sound of sad feet.

JOEY
What do sad feet sound like?

BERNIE
Just keep looking for those glass sandals, Cinderella! You want this job or not?!

JOEY
Found them!

Joey hikes a shoe box between his legs like you would a football. It falls to the ground short of reaching Bernie.

BERNIE
Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Bernie goes over to the box and examines the glass sandals. They’re broken due to the fall.

JOEY
There they are! Glass sandals, clear, cute, extra back support, size 8, deep arc. There’s even the daisy pattern on the side! Pretty good, huh?!

BERNIE
Pretty good? Pretty good?!?! They’re ruined. I told you not to throw anything!

JOEY
I didn’t throw them. I hiked them, just like we did in Allentown! The fastest shoe store there ever was-

BERNIE
We’re not in Allentown! Jeez! How many times do I have to tell you that?!

Bernie hits the remote, clearly upset. The screen goes back to normal.

JOEY
Oh, I’m sorry, Sir, let me try again-

BERNIE
No, you’re done here!

JOEY
But I can do better!

BERNIE
Listen, you want to know why I’m hiring someone? Because I need help, okay! Shoes ain’t selling like they used to! And I need the perfect salesmen to turn this place around!

JOEY
Well, that could be me! Maybe adding my moves could help your store!

Joey picks up a shoe and prepares to throw it. Bernie quickly stops him.

BERNIE
No, no, no! Nothing new! I need someone who knows shoes, not throws them! Someone who can find the perfect fit! And I’m sorry, but that’s not you. Now leave!

JOEY
But I can’t!…I left everything for this, okay. My family, my friends, my job. I left it all for the big city! To work here! The shoe capital of the world!…Please, Sir, just give me a chance. One chance!...I promise I won’t let you down...

Pause. Bernie looks at Joey with a bit of sympathy.

BERNIE
A chance? I’m sorry, Sonny…but I can’t give you a job based on a coin toss…

Bernie tries to leave but Joey gets in his way. Song starts…

The Perfect Team

Verse 1

JOEY
I’ll stack every box
Faster than a fox
I’ll tie all the laces
Make big happy faces

BERNIE
You’ll wash all the cleats?
It’s no easy feat
You’ll dust the loafers?
Can’t be no joker!

Chorus

JOEY
I’ll throw you high heels!
While you make all the deals!
We’ll be the best team in the world!

BERNIE
You toss the flip flops?!
While I put us on top?!

JOEY
We’ll be the best team in the world!

JOEY & BERNIE
Just hurl up some boots!
While we make all the loot!
We’ll be the best team in the world!

Verse 2

JOEY
I’ll pay my dues
To work in shoes
Just like Allentown
I’ll never slow town!

BERNIE
You’ll get every clog?
And never just jog
For shoes that tap
You always must clap!

Chorus

JOEY & BERNIE
Throw the high heels!
While we make all the deals!
We’ll be the best team in the world!

Toss the flip flops!
While we put us on top!
We’ll be the best team in the world!

Just hurl up some boots!
While we make all the loot!
We’ll be the best team in the world!
We’ll be the best team in the world!
We’ll be the best team in the world!

Song ends…

JOEY
See! We work great together! With your brains and my throwing arm, we could be the fastest shoe store in the history of shoes!

BERNIE
Faster than Allentown?!

JOEY
You bet! We’re gonna turn a top of the line, cream of the crop, grade A place to take your feet into something even better! The perfect team. What do you say?

BERNIE
The perfect team?

JOEY
The perfect fit.

Bernie thinks about hiring him. Suddenly, a group of old ladies enter.

OLD LADY
Excuse me? Do you gentlemen think you could help us out?

Bernie and Joey turn to each other.

BERNIE
Here’s the final test, Sonny. Get this one right and the job’s yours! Remember…find their inner shoe….

Bernie pats Joey on the back. Joey runs over to the ladies.

JOEY
I can help you ladies out! Let me guess, you’re looking for…um…

Bernie cheers Joey on from the side.

BERNIE
Inner shoe…You can do it!

JOEY
You’re looking...for…um…um…high heels: ½ inch high, pointed toe, turquoise with a pinch of glitter on the front?

The old ladies look at each other in amazement. Bernie and Joey wait for their response…

OLD LADY
Well…that sounds perfect!

BERNIE
You’re hired!

Joey jump up and cheers! Bernie hits his stopwatch.

BERNIE
Now get those shoes, Mr.! Pronto! Go! Go! Go!

Joey goes through boxes and throws shoes to Bernie. The old ladies laugh.

BLACK